The Watcher

[sevendeadlyfun]

Pairing: Spike/Various (sort of)

Rating: NC-17

Summary: He longed to be free. Every night, the building would go quiet and dim and he was left behind, a wisp of vapor haunting an empty building.

A/N: Written for kink_bingo prompt sensory deprivation (touch) and tamingthemuse prompt #98-cubic.





It’s agony. He thought he understood the nature of pain. Living, dying, chipped, soulled, and sacrificed; none of that even compared to being insubstantial. Part of the world yet completely unable to affect it, all Spike could do was watch.

He watched all of them: lovely Fred puttering around her lab; Angel sitting, dour-faced, at his desk. He spent an hour on Percy’s hands once, admiring the tension of strong muscles pulled taut under tanned flesh. He roamed over the vastness of Wolfram and Hart building, learning every cubic centimeter of his personal prison. Everywhere he looked, he saw people touching each other. Connecting in a real, physical way now denied to him.

Spike hated being denied. Hated to be in the world and not part of it. Wondered if this was his Hell, his penance for many lifetimes worth of evil.

If so, he was bloody impressed with the cleverness of it. But he kept watching. And wanting.

Angel’s hand, slick with spit, glided over his fat cock. Spike remembered that, remembered running his own fingers over the impressive girth and satiny skin. Remembered his mouth stretched around it, saliva running down his chin as he struggled take the whole thing down his throat. He wanted to take it now, to kneel down in front of his Sire and suck that sweet prick until Angel screamed his name.

Instead, he stood there as Angel came, panting and writhing as the jizz pumped out over his own hand. He stood there and stared, envy roiling in his gut. He just wanted the to touch someone. Anyone.

Fred, perhaps, lovely little bit that she was. Her slender body, outlined in the mists of the shower, drew him like moth to a flame. Only he’d never be burned and oh, how he wanted to burn for her.

She ran her hands up over her breasts, pert mouthfuls that he ached to taste. Her fingers caressed the stiff peaks of her nipples, turning the candy pink buds a blushing red. Other busy fingers weaved their way through wet curls, teasing her swollen nub. He listened to her cries, and tried to imagine the taste of her sweet cunt exploding on his tongue, the weight of her breasts in his hands. Imaginings that only drove him mad with frustration.

He longed to be free. Every night, the building would go quiet and dim and he was left behind, a wisp of vapor haunting an empty building. Even after he’d learned to move things, to push them where he wanted them, he wasn’t free. He still couldn’t feel them.

Now here he is, a real boy again. Flesh and bone, solid, and real. But he doesn’t quite feel real.

He tried, in the beginning, to touch everything. Hell, he’d even taken Harmony for a ride in those first few crazy minutes when the world rushed back into being. But he couldn’t quite make it work properly.

Even his own hands felt wrong somehow; abrasive, on skin suddenly exquisitely sensitive to touch. The only time he could bear the agony was in the heat of the fight. The pain of bruises and cuts blazed, melting away the ice-cold pain of softer, gentler touches.

He smiled, eyes fixed on Angel. They were both bloodied wrecks, and Spike luxuriated at having rough, fierce hands pummeling his flesh back into submission. The blood trickled down his cheek, drawing a soft sigh from his lips. As long as he had Angel about to give him what he needed, the rest would sort itself out eventually.

Comments

[missus-grace.livejournal.com]

Great use of the prompt. You're right - Spike is such a tactile person that to be denied such would be hellish for him.

[sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com]

Thanks, hon. This prompt gave me fits when I first saw it and I was convinced I'd screwed this story to hell and back. But, yeah, I think Spike definitely suffered as a ghost. If nothing else, the inability to wank had to be agonizing...

[cozzybob.livejournal.com]

He stood there and stared, envy roiling in his gut. He just wanted the to touch someone. Anyone.

Wow. This is freaking gorgeous. It's exactly how I see Spike's emotions during that period... and the Fred scene... OMG I'm melted. Just... wow! Seriously. I love you so bad. If this is what your bingo card squeezes out of you, I am a happy camper.

*pulls up my own kink bingo and contemplates*

[sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Can't wait to see your work posted. :)

[anxiety-junkie.livejournal.com]

Oh. That is just, wow. So lovely and heart-wrenching.

[sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com]

Thank you, sweetie. This took me all week to write and I ended up deleting and rewriting huge portions of it many times. It's hard to be kinky and yet keep the focus on the inability to touch. Which, I guess, goes to prove how important touch is, but still...

[zoesmith.livejournal.com]

Oh lovely darling!! So emotional and beautiful.
Yes, I imagine that for Spike not being able to affect the world around him must have been hell.

This line: As long as he had Angel about to give him what he needed, the rest would sort itself out eventually. is just so very beautiful!

Great job dear! :D

[sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com]

Thank you, hon! AtS Spike was just so aggressive and so unlike S7 Spike and I wanted to address that. This is my explanation of what pushed him towards that change. Glad you enjoyed it. :)

[ash-carpenter.livejournal.com]

Absolutely beautiful; I can really feel his pain - and I like the way that it didn't suddenly get all better the second that he was corporealised.

(Plus...watching Angel jack off? Hot! That's all I'm saying *G*)

[sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com]

Who doesn't like watching Angel jerk off? I mean, come on now! It's like naked art. :)

Thanks, hon. I'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

[thismaz.livejournal.com]

You have a lovely way with words, conjuring pain and loss with so few - Every night, the building would go quiet and dim and he was left behind, a wisp of vapor haunting an empty building. My heart aches for him.

[sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I think, in many ways, AtS Spike is the most sympathetic of all his incarnations. While I'm not fond of the portrayal of Spike in AtS in general, this storyline was both dramatic and emotional. So, naturally, I chose to muck it up with kink. :P

But, in all seriousness, thank you for the compliments. I appreciate them and I'm pleased you liked the story.

[jaded-jamie.livejournal.com]

Such angst and passion, beuaitful use of the prompt!

[sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm happy you enjoyed it.

[xheartrockx.livejournal.com]

Very nice use of that kink, never would have thought of that.
Can't say I'm a fan of S/A but I blinked it away due to the greatness :D
It really much suck (pardon the pun) not to be able to touch anyway...

Loved it :D

[sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com]

Man, it took me forever to try to work out that prompt. I was totally stumped until I remember the ghost thing. It's my only solution, honestly so I'm not sure what I'd do without canonical ghosts!

Thanks so much and I'm really pleased you enjoyed it!

[xheartrockx.livejournal.com]

Thank the kink!lord I only have to deal with sight-deprevation then :P
Which he reminds me that I have to get to work on that Captains/William crossover thingamajiggy...

Looking forward to what you'll kink next...

[hello-spikey.livejournal.com]

Oh beautiful. Just stunning. So full of tactile details, a real hymn to touch.

his own hands felt wrong somehow - I love this idea of a Spike post-corporealization still dealing with the fallout of his insubstantially - and all that it implies that he still feels insubstantial.

[sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com]

I think that Spike would take a huge amount time to recover from the ghost experience. Naturally the show didn't focus on that but I can't help thinking that being shoved out into the world would be a bit painful, no matter how welcomed.

Thanks, hon! I'm glad you liked it.

[of-too-minds.livejournal.com]

Excellent use of the promt. Being unable to interact with the world would be torment for anyone but particularly Spike given that he was is such a tactile and hedonistic person. I'm so glad he has Angel to help him settle back into life.

[sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. This was a challenge prompt, but there's no prompt so crazy that it won't work in our fandom. Bless Joss Whedon for his crazy vision!

I'm so glad you enjoyed it.