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[personal profile] sevendeadlyfun
Pairing: Xander/Spike

Rating: NC-17 overall

A/N: Remember how this was all from Xander's perspective? Yeah, this story isn't really working out the way I'd intended...
X-posted to [profile] darker_spike for challenge reasons, posted here for my memories



It was interesting, Spike reflected, on how much could change after death. Whole realities could rise and fall, memories displaced and returned, and a glorified bricklayer could become a warm, thoughtful man. Still a pain in the ass, but a thoughtful pain in the ass.

Xander was relaxed, more relaxed than Spike could ever remember seeing him. He leaned back in the driver’s seat, two fingers on the wheel. There was silence, but nothing ugly. In Spike’s experience, Xander’s quiet meant pain or embarrassment. This man, he could handle a silence, didn’t feel the need to fill it up with yammering. It was nice. It was interesting. It was…incredibly disturbing.

“You know,” Xander smiled at him, “I could get you a camera.”

“A camera?” Spike tried to figure out how he’d missed a whole discussion on cameras.

“So you could take a picture,” Xander explained. “You’re staring.”

“Oh.” Spike shrugged. “Sorry.”

“No, you really aren’t.”

“You’re right,” Spike agreed. “I’m not.”

Death gave a man certain liberties. Well, coming back from death did, at any rate. If Buffy could hate fuck him and half-destroy herself after her resurrection, Spike figured he could stare all he wanted.

“Angel,” Xander said quietly. “He really is…different now, isn’t he?”

Spike snorted. Different was hardly the right word. Miraculously transformed, perhaps or blessed beneficiary of a complete personality transplant. Different barely covered it.

“What clued you in, pet? The hearty hug he gave you or the great big smile he sported when he saw me?” Spike asked dryly.

“Neither,” Xander laughed. “Gotta say those were both bizarre in their own way, but not exactly worrying. It was…he’s not angry anymore.”

Spike nodded at that. Angel, or at least the Liam he’d been, was by all reports a pretty screwed up boy. Not surprising, that. Vampires rarely stumble upon the happy and well adjusted, much less decide to keep them for eternity. But, he’d never known any version of Angel that wasn’t simmering with anger. To see Angel without that coating of wrath was strange.

“Guess that means somethin’ good, yeah? Must be this brave new world taking shape around us,” Spike replied diffidently.

Xander looked at him, eyes full of shadows and questions. Spike met those eyes, but he didn’t speak. He’d learned to keep his counsel. His time at Wolfram & Hart had been awful, but he’d learned. Sometimes, silence was the better road.

A brave new world, yeah. A world where he was a wiling ally of the Slayer, not her punching bag or her wind-up fuck toy. A world where Xander kissed him in exquisite silence and jacked him to poetry. A world with no chip to hold him back and a soul he’d never sought straining inside him.

Spike shivered suddenly, feeling the collision of memories with tangible force. He could remember the other world perfectly, as clearly as he remembered this new one.  He and Buffy were matched now in deaths to save the world. But he hadn’t gotten quite her reward. No vampire ever dies in a state of grace, he reminded himself. No matter what Angel believed, the road to hell was the only one open to them.

“Covered in blood,” he murmured.

“What is,” Xander asked, voice hushed and thick.

“The road to hell,” Spike answered abstractly. “It’s a road covered with blood.”

“I imagine so,” Xander said. “A lot to clean up before you can go forward.”

“Is that what you really think,” Spike sneered. “You think that if I just rescue enough puppies, I’ll be sanctified?”

“I hope so,” Xander told him seriously. “Your soul should be. Why punish you for something you didn’t do? Or worse, punish you after doing so much good.”

Spike shook his head, amazed at Xander’s naiveté. It constantly astonished him how Xander and the other Scoobies, could look evil in the face night after night and still not understand a thing about it.  Was the world really so black and white to them?

“What do you see when you look at me,” he asked flatly. “A man? A soul? It’s not like that, Xander. It’s never that simple.”

Xander, stubborn stupid Xander, glared at him darkly. Spike had seen that look a hundred times in the basement and on patrol. It had one clear meaning. Idiot.

“You think that because I lost my soul that I get a free pass,” he continued. “Not bloody likely. Or, even better, you think since I got turned that I’m not responsible? Think again, luv.”

The car slowed, and Xander drove to the edge of the road. That irritating sign stood, a beacon of Hellmouth intent, and Spike wholeheartedly wished Xander would run it down. Why bother announcing the evil of this town when anyone with half a brain could feel it in their bones?

“Explain,” Xander said as he turned off the engine. “Now.”

Spike shifted in his seat. He’d do this the right way, facing the crowd like a true gentleman. Not sporting to deny the spectators their pound of flesh, is it?

“No one makes you a demon,” Spike began quietly. “You have to want it. Darla, Angel, me…even Dru, we all made a choice. Your Sire can’t force you to drink. We damned ourselves, Xander. This soul? It’s nothing on the scales because this soul choose its fate.”

Xander remained silent, eyes black in the gloom of the car. Spike heartily wished for a cigarette, or better yet a weapon. Something to hold in his hands, keep him from regretting his honesty.

“You chose this,” Xander stated, no hint of question in his voice.

“I did,” Spike confirmed unnecessarily. “Christ, I bloody well begged for it. You see the soul and the demon as separate. But, they aren’t. They’re both me, Xander. Angel had his soul when Buffy thrust that sword in and he still had to do his time. We, he and I, were both damned a hundred times over.”

“For one fucking choice!” Xander’s voice was knife-sharp, echoing in the confines of the car.

“It’s a pretty important choice, luv,” Spike riposted. “Even if we’d never killed a single being, we chose damnation.”

Xander reached for keys and the engine roared to life. Spike sat back in his seat, a low sigh escaping his lips. He still wasn’t sure that he’d done the right thing by telling Xander the truth. It had to be told, though. He could burn up for the world every day and twice on Sundays and it still wouldn’t save him. Some choices you couldn’t take back.

“No.” The soft word floated over Spike, and he looked over at Xander quizzically. “I don’t accept that.”

on 2007-08-09 11:51 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] ladyvirgo1956.livejournal.com
Damn!!! Don't you just love choices and Xander not accepting that Spike will be damned because of it because Spike has done so much good. I aloso liked your quote which is the title of the story A Road Covered With Blood leads to hell. Boy it sure can. Great chapter. Feels like you are about to wrap this up. Just let me say one thing this has been one hell of a story. I just love it. Update soon.

on 2007-08-11 04:33 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com
Thank you, sweetie. Yeah, this is rapidly drawing to a close. Well, it had better! The challenge ends in five days, so I have to finish or else! I've always felt that the idea of redemption was taken much too lightly in the series. As I said in the story, some choices you can't take back...

on 2007-08-10 12:46 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] lilithbint.livejournal.com
wonderful chapter,
it all comes down to choices.
I love that Angel is happy and I love that Xander hasn't given up on Spike.

on 2007-08-11 04:34 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com
I prefer Angel happy. I may (at some distant point) re-visit this 'verse to tell Angel's story. A lot of the plot points from Angel are really glossed over here, simply because this isn't Angel's story. However, I will be showing a little bit in the epilogue. As for Xander, he never quits. I think it's part of his charm.

*hugs*

on 2007-08-10 03:20 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] dark-hunterjenn.livejournal.com
Deep chapter. I like Xander not buying into Spikes explanation, wonderful work.

on 2007-08-11 04:35 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com
Thank you. This really wasn't intended to be either this long or this serious. Apparently, I am not the boss of my own stories. But, since it's turned out so nicely, I shouldn't complain.

on 2007-08-10 09:18 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] athenewolfe.livejournal.com
ohhh so nice!

on 2007-08-11 04:35 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com
Thank you, sweetie!

on 2007-08-10 11:30 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] brunettepet.livejournal.com
Excellent chapter, and the changes Xander's choices have wrought are reflected vividly in Xander's behavior. That he and Spike find Angel's happiness and warmth mildly disturbing was hilarious.

I can see why Spike's ultimate destination would rub Xander the wrong way, but I think Spike's right about his fate. Xander can choose not to accept it, but I don't see how he can change it. This was a thought provoking chapter.

on 2007-08-11 04:38 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com
Well, I won't give away the ending, but I will say that very few things are ever written in stone. As Donne so eloquently said, "No man is an island..." We make our choices, but we don't make them in a vacuum. Xander's experiences have shown him how one little thing can tip the balance. But, no more or I might as well just write the ending here in the comment box! Thank you for your incredibly thoughtful feedback. Your comments have really helped move this story along and I appreciate it more than I can say.

on 2007-10-31 08:28 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] hello-spikey.livejournal.com
you tell 'im Xan!
Great dialogue. :)

on 2007-12-20 01:57 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] wordsjunkie.livejournal.com
Xander is loyal that way, he never gives up on anyone who belongs to him. Now that's love:)

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