Live The Question
Feb. 16th, 2007 12:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sevendeadlyfunPairings: Various (Spike/Xander this chapter)
Rating: NC-17 overall (R this chapter)
Warnings: m/m kissage, a bit of angst, nothing fancy
A/N: Still nothing too dirty, but the story moves on so that's good right? Thanks to all the sweet wonderful people who have left feedback. It's a drug, I'm an addict, and I appreciate the fix! Seriously, it means a lot to me. And as always,kidcyclone is a saint for putting up with me. She deserves much dirty Spangel and she'll get it...just not yet. :)
Rating: NC-17 overall (R this chapter)
Warnings: m/m kissage, a bit of angst, nothing fancy
A/N: Still nothing too dirty, but the story moves on so that's good right? Thanks to all the sweet wonderful people who have left feedback. It's a drug, I'm an addict, and I appreciate the fix! Seriously, it means a lot to me. And as always,
kidcyclone is a saint for putting up with me. She deserves much dirty Spangel and she'll get it...just not yet. :)Xander trailed behind Spike, watching as the blonde vampire prowled the hotel restlessly. Spike poked in and out of various rooms, stopping to comment at this or that bit of decoration or color choice. The emergence of what Xander remembered as “Classic” Spike, all snark and snarl, made him smile wistfully.
Caught up in memories, Xander pulled up short at the impenetrable wall of Spike’s back. He poked at the soft black leather, jumping back when Spike growled, face ridged and eyes yellow. The bumpies disappeared quickly, leaving behind only sorrowful blue.
“ ‘M sorry, Xan. Just…this was her room. Can still smell her, ya know?”
“Cordy,” Xander stated flatly, eyes hooded.
“The cheerleader? Nah, “ Spike shook his head violently. “Fred…”
Spike walked in the room, and a small smiled crossed his face as he took in the scene. The white paint was peeled back in patches, revealing scribbles and scratches. Xander, following Spike, leaned in to look at the writing and pictures that seemed to tell a story.
“Fred?”
“Sweet little petal, “ Spike murmured, fingers reaching out to trace a figure on a horse. “Brought me back from the dead, treated me kinder than I had any right to expect. My best girl…”
“I’m guessing from the past tense that she isn’t currently enjoying a sunny tropical vacation far from the noise of battle,” Xander ventured, sighing heavily.
“Always the good ones, Xander. You know that ‘bout as well as anyone, I imagine. Tara, Fred, Anya…all of ‘em gone and here I am, damned and kicking. Right fine women, they were and if I could, I dust to bring’em back. Bloody useless, I am. Can’t save the people that deserve it. I ain’t like Angel. I don’t give a rat’s arse about the helpless, “ Spike ranted. “Just wanted to be worthy, ya know? Do something right for once and I couldn’t. Fred…she burnt up from the inside. Play toy of a buggering God, used her up and spat her out. An’ now even Big Blue is gone. Nothing left of Fred anywhere…’cept here.”
Spike stroked the walls lovingly, and Xander came up behind him. Wrapping his arms around Spike’s waist, Xander rested his cheek on a strong shoulder. Spike stiffened slightly, but didn’t move away. Gradually, the slightly shorter blonde relaxed into the embrace. Xander cuddled him closer, breathing softly over the sweet smelling skin only inches from his mouth.
“I…I’m sorry you lost your friend, Spike. After Sunnydale…things got weird. Sounds funny, doesn’t it? Like life on the Hellmouth was super normal. Vampires, werewolves, and demons, oh my! But, it was my whole world,” Xander began haltingly.
“This weirdness have anything to do with your current snuggliness, “ Spike asked casually, running a cool finger over the hands clasped around him.
“Little bit, yeah,” Xander answered. “You know about Anya?”
“Andrew was very forthcoming on the heroism that happened after my incineration, “ Spike replied dryly. “Font of information, that boy.”
“Not always. He didn’t so much as hint at your miraculous return to life…death…whatever. But, anyways, “ Xander inhaled deeply, the scent of tobacco and leather washing over him.
“Life after Sunnydale,” Spike prompted.
“Oh yeah, life on the outside isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. Anya was gone, and Buffy decided that Girls Gone Wild was her new sacred duty. Wills got kinda…busy, with Kennedy and the Mojo. Giles had his new Council to keep him hopping. And…”
“What did you do,” Spike asked, craning his neck to see Xander’s face.
“My duty, of course. Xander Harris, Fetcher of Donuts and Slayers. I got…Spike, I got kinda lost, “ Xander confessed. “Spent a lot of time in my head.”
“Take it you didn’t enjoy the scenery, pet?”
“Not especially, no. It was…I watched my life. Full on color and surround sound view of all the stupid. Some of the things I’ve done, I’m just not sure. I used to be sure, you know? Scooby righteousness saw me through most of the doubts, but once that was gone…”
“Not sure I’m following you, luv.”
Xander inched forward, feeling the snap of interlocking pieces clicking into place as his body melded with Spike’s. His lips nestled into the hollow of Spike’s neck and he flicked his tongue out, aching for just a tiny taste. Spike huffed, a husky breath of…longing? Desire? Annoyance? Xander couldn’t tell.
“I’m sorry. Well, not for that, “ Xander grinned into cool pale flesh. “ I’m sorry for how I treated you. After you were…gone and I looked back, I realized why I did what I did and all I wanted was to take it all back. Found men who looked like you and tried to make it up to them, but it didn’t work. Never figured I’d be able to tell you and now…”
“And now,” came the soft query.
“Now, I can,” Xander said simply.
Spike nodded and turned around, wriggling out of Xander’s embrace. He studied the dark-haired boy…no, man, he corrected himself. This wasn’t the Sunnydale Whelp anymore, but a new man he wasn’t sure he knew at all.
“So, you want to work out your guilt how? Via a nice shag? Seems to be the standard Scooby apology,” Spike observed poignantly.
“No…well, yeah, I do want you. But, not as a guilt thing. I just…want you. I’ve wanted you for a while and…damn this is too hard. I can’t…I’m sorry,” Xander blurted and turned to leave.
Spike caught up with him and pulled him close. He whispered softly into shaggy brown hair, hands sweeping meaningless patterns over Xander’s broad back. Xander melted into the welcoming embrace, and they sank to the floor.
Xander clutched at Spike convulsively, tears beginning to flow. He cried for all he’d lost, at this sweet kindness he didn’t deserve, the sheer wonder of being held and seen and found. Spike rained kisses on his head, understanding Xander’s need to purge himself. He shook his head at his own softness. Big Bad to the rescue again…
When the tears dried and the hitching sobs eased, Spike eased Xander back, looking frankly into chocolate brown eyes. He peered at them intently, searching and apparently finding. He nodded once, a slow deliberate nod and brought the other man back into his arms.
“Listen, Xander. Something you gotta know, yeah? We…I…Bloody hell! I don’t know as I can give you what you’re wanting. I got feelings for someone else and I’m not about to pretend otherwise. Know you want to connect and maybe that’s possible, on some level. Not gonna use you, okay? Don’t want you to get hurt and so if what you want is more than that, best we just part here as friends,” Spike’s voice, soft and warm, twined itself around Xander’s trembling body.
“ I know. I mean, that you don’t love me. I’m not asking for…I just want to be part of you, your life. I’ll take what you can give me. That whole pride thing? Way over it, “ Xander joked. “Just…do you forgive me?”
“Sweet Christ, Harris! Nothing to forgive, all right? Been there myself, haven’t I? Confused and scared and angry. You didn’t exactly invent the condition,” Spike answered.
“Will you kiss me, please?”
“Yeah, “ Spike agreed. “Yeah, I’ll kiss you. But nothing more, for now. Both a bit wound up and feeling sorry for ourselves, aren’t we? Not a good way to be for anything else. But, I’ll kiss you and we’ll have a nice cuddle. Like the soppy girls we clearly are…”
“Spike,” Xander said and smiled at the answering raised eyebrow. “Just kiss me.”
Spike smiled in return and moved forward, cool lips touching warm ones. The kiss began sweetly, two pairs of lips meeting. Xander hummed and opened his mouth slightly, tongue tracing the seam of Spike’s lips, mutely asking for entrance. His lips parted, and Xander dove in hungrily. Tongues dancing and mouths clashing, the kiss turned fierce, each of them seeking a kind of forgetting inside the other.
When they finally parted, panting and amazed, Xander laughed. His whoop of happiness rang through the still hallways of the hotel, lighting up the darkness. Spike smirked with kiss-swollen lips, and another peal of laughter from Xander made him shake his head. The boy had clearly cracked.
“All right, pet. Let’s go find a bed, “ Spike said, standing and pulling Xander with him.
“Sounds good to me,” Xander almost purred in happiness.
“To sleep in, Xander. Remember what I said. Nothing but sleep tonight.”
“And tomorrow?”
“That anxious to get your hands on me, eh?”
“Yep, “ Xander confirmed. “Hands, mouth, cock…whatever I can get on you.”
“Down, boy. Let’s just take things slow. Tomorrow isn’t going anywhere. Now, you ready to tuck me in?”
“Never let it be said that I refused to aid a vampire in distress, “Xander retorted and slid his hand into Spike’s, allowing himself to be led off.
Feeling better than he had in a long time, Xander climbed into bed with Spike. Cuddling close, Xander drifted off to Spike’s melodic humming. He couldn’t place the tune and resolved to ask Spike about it tomorrow. Tomorrow wasn’t going anywhere. Spike would be there tomorrow. Just before he dropped off, he heard the words “wild rover” and smiled. Yep, that suited Spike perfectly…
Caught up in memories, Xander pulled up short at the impenetrable wall of Spike’s back. He poked at the soft black leather, jumping back when Spike growled, face ridged and eyes yellow. The bumpies disappeared quickly, leaving behind only sorrowful blue.
“ ‘M sorry, Xan. Just…this was her room. Can still smell her, ya know?”
“Cordy,” Xander stated flatly, eyes hooded.
“The cheerleader? Nah, “ Spike shook his head violently. “Fred…”
Spike walked in the room, and a small smiled crossed his face as he took in the scene. The white paint was peeled back in patches, revealing scribbles and scratches. Xander, following Spike, leaned in to look at the writing and pictures that seemed to tell a story.
“Fred?”
“Sweet little petal, “ Spike murmured, fingers reaching out to trace a figure on a horse. “Brought me back from the dead, treated me kinder than I had any right to expect. My best girl…”
“I’m guessing from the past tense that she isn’t currently enjoying a sunny tropical vacation far from the noise of battle,” Xander ventured, sighing heavily.
“Always the good ones, Xander. You know that ‘bout as well as anyone, I imagine. Tara, Fred, Anya…all of ‘em gone and here I am, damned and kicking. Right fine women, they were and if I could, I dust to bring’em back. Bloody useless, I am. Can’t save the people that deserve it. I ain’t like Angel. I don’t give a rat’s arse about the helpless, “ Spike ranted. “Just wanted to be worthy, ya know? Do something right for once and I couldn’t. Fred…she burnt up from the inside. Play toy of a buggering God, used her up and spat her out. An’ now even Big Blue is gone. Nothing left of Fred anywhere…’cept here.”
Spike stroked the walls lovingly, and Xander came up behind him. Wrapping his arms around Spike’s waist, Xander rested his cheek on a strong shoulder. Spike stiffened slightly, but didn’t move away. Gradually, the slightly shorter blonde relaxed into the embrace. Xander cuddled him closer, breathing softly over the sweet smelling skin only inches from his mouth.
“I…I’m sorry you lost your friend, Spike. After Sunnydale…things got weird. Sounds funny, doesn’t it? Like life on the Hellmouth was super normal. Vampires, werewolves, and demons, oh my! But, it was my whole world,” Xander began haltingly.
“This weirdness have anything to do with your current snuggliness, “ Spike asked casually, running a cool finger over the hands clasped around him.
“Little bit, yeah,” Xander answered. “You know about Anya?”
“Andrew was very forthcoming on the heroism that happened after my incineration, “ Spike replied dryly. “Font of information, that boy.”
“Not always. He didn’t so much as hint at your miraculous return to life…death…whatever. But, anyways, “ Xander inhaled deeply, the scent of tobacco and leather washing over him.
“Life after Sunnydale,” Spike prompted.
“Oh yeah, life on the outside isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. Anya was gone, and Buffy decided that Girls Gone Wild was her new sacred duty. Wills got kinda…busy, with Kennedy and the Mojo. Giles had his new Council to keep him hopping. And…”
“What did you do,” Spike asked, craning his neck to see Xander’s face.
“My duty, of course. Xander Harris, Fetcher of Donuts and Slayers. I got…Spike, I got kinda lost, “ Xander confessed. “Spent a lot of time in my head.”
“Take it you didn’t enjoy the scenery, pet?”
“Not especially, no. It was…I watched my life. Full on color and surround sound view of all the stupid. Some of the things I’ve done, I’m just not sure. I used to be sure, you know? Scooby righteousness saw me through most of the doubts, but once that was gone…”
“Not sure I’m following you, luv.”
Xander inched forward, feeling the snap of interlocking pieces clicking into place as his body melded with Spike’s. His lips nestled into the hollow of Spike’s neck and he flicked his tongue out, aching for just a tiny taste. Spike huffed, a husky breath of…longing? Desire? Annoyance? Xander couldn’t tell.
“I’m sorry. Well, not for that, “ Xander grinned into cool pale flesh. “ I’m sorry for how I treated you. After you were…gone and I looked back, I realized why I did what I did and all I wanted was to take it all back. Found men who looked like you and tried to make it up to them, but it didn’t work. Never figured I’d be able to tell you and now…”
“And now,” came the soft query.
“Now, I can,” Xander said simply.
Spike nodded and turned around, wriggling out of Xander’s embrace. He studied the dark-haired boy…no, man, he corrected himself. This wasn’t the Sunnydale Whelp anymore, but a new man he wasn’t sure he knew at all.
“So, you want to work out your guilt how? Via a nice shag? Seems to be the standard Scooby apology,” Spike observed poignantly.
“No…well, yeah, I do want you. But, not as a guilt thing. I just…want you. I’ve wanted you for a while and…damn this is too hard. I can’t…I’m sorry,” Xander blurted and turned to leave.
Spike caught up with him and pulled him close. He whispered softly into shaggy brown hair, hands sweeping meaningless patterns over Xander’s broad back. Xander melted into the welcoming embrace, and they sank to the floor.
Xander clutched at Spike convulsively, tears beginning to flow. He cried for all he’d lost, at this sweet kindness he didn’t deserve, the sheer wonder of being held and seen and found. Spike rained kisses on his head, understanding Xander’s need to purge himself. He shook his head at his own softness. Big Bad to the rescue again…
When the tears dried and the hitching sobs eased, Spike eased Xander back, looking frankly into chocolate brown eyes. He peered at them intently, searching and apparently finding. He nodded once, a slow deliberate nod and brought the other man back into his arms.
“Listen, Xander. Something you gotta know, yeah? We…I…Bloody hell! I don’t know as I can give you what you’re wanting. I got feelings for someone else and I’m not about to pretend otherwise. Know you want to connect and maybe that’s possible, on some level. Not gonna use you, okay? Don’t want you to get hurt and so if what you want is more than that, best we just part here as friends,” Spike’s voice, soft and warm, twined itself around Xander’s trembling body.
“ I know. I mean, that you don’t love me. I’m not asking for…I just want to be part of you, your life. I’ll take what you can give me. That whole pride thing? Way over it, “ Xander joked. “Just…do you forgive me?”
“Sweet Christ, Harris! Nothing to forgive, all right? Been there myself, haven’t I? Confused and scared and angry. You didn’t exactly invent the condition,” Spike answered.
“Will you kiss me, please?”
“Yeah, “ Spike agreed. “Yeah, I’ll kiss you. But nothing more, for now. Both a bit wound up and feeling sorry for ourselves, aren’t we? Not a good way to be for anything else. But, I’ll kiss you and we’ll have a nice cuddle. Like the soppy girls we clearly are…”
“Spike,” Xander said and smiled at the answering raised eyebrow. “Just kiss me.”
Spike smiled in return and moved forward, cool lips touching warm ones. The kiss began sweetly, two pairs of lips meeting. Xander hummed and opened his mouth slightly, tongue tracing the seam of Spike’s lips, mutely asking for entrance. His lips parted, and Xander dove in hungrily. Tongues dancing and mouths clashing, the kiss turned fierce, each of them seeking a kind of forgetting inside the other.
When they finally parted, panting and amazed, Xander laughed. His whoop of happiness rang through the still hallways of the hotel, lighting up the darkness. Spike smirked with kiss-swollen lips, and another peal of laughter from Xander made him shake his head. The boy had clearly cracked.
“All right, pet. Let’s go find a bed, “ Spike said, standing and pulling Xander with him.
“Sounds good to me,” Xander almost purred in happiness.
“To sleep in, Xander. Remember what I said. Nothing but sleep tonight.”
“And tomorrow?”
“That anxious to get your hands on me, eh?”
“Yep, “ Xander confirmed. “Hands, mouth, cock…whatever I can get on you.”
“Down, boy. Let’s just take things slow. Tomorrow isn’t going anywhere. Now, you ready to tuck me in?”
“Never let it be said that I refused to aid a vampire in distress, “Xander retorted and slid his hand into Spike’s, allowing himself to be led off.
Feeling better than he had in a long time, Xander climbed into bed with Spike. Cuddling close, Xander drifted off to Spike’s melodic humming. He couldn’t place the tune and resolved to ask Spike about it tomorrow. Tomorrow wasn’t going anywhere. Spike would be there tomorrow. Just before he dropped off, he heard the words “wild rover” and smiled. Yep, that suited Spike perfectly…
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on 2007-02-16 11:58 am (UTC)no subject
on 2007-02-17 06:17 am (UTC)Stay with me! It will get better...in a bit. Thank you so much for commenting. It sounds silly, but it's nice, knowing that someone is reading the story. Even if they don't enjoy it, at least they're reading it. And the enjoying part? Even better! :)
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on 2007-02-17 11:38 am (UTC)no subject
on 2007-03-20 02:30 am (UTC)no subject
on 2007-03-20 06:07 am (UTC)