Ashes to Ashes, 13/30

[sevendeadlyfun]

Pairing: Spike/Xander

Rating: NC-17 overall

Summary: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Grief and a kind of madness take Spike and Xander places they aren't sure they want to go....

A/N: Written for prompt # 11-castration anxiety on my psych_30 table and tamingthemuse prompt # 93-chimera. For those anxious about the boys' bits, let me say that castration anxiety refers generally to a fear of powerlessness and not any actual castration. Previous chapters in the tags or in my memories.




Xander was asleep. Or unconscious. Spike wasn’t entirely sure which. But he could hear the rapid susurrus of Xander’s heart pumping a full belly’s worth of blood through him. The other man wasn’t dead.

More likely shagged out, Spike smirked as he reached out for his second or possibly third post-coital fag. The flare of his lighter illuminated the hidden valleys of Xander’s muscular body and Spike admired the view, pulling smoke into his dead lungs and enjoying the brief flare of pain brought on by the heated air. He smoked because it passed the time, something that has become vitally important since The Initiative.

Spike stubbed out the cigarette, his harsh gasps for air joining and mingling with Xander’s softer, more even breaths. Not for the first time Spike wondered why they just hadn’t killed him. Every demon waits for death, longs for it in a way he couldn’t adequately explain to the children he now spent his nights with. Not even the Watcher, for all that he knew about demon origins, understood what it meant to be a small fraction of a whole, trapped inside a corpse.

Part of him was all spiny claws and mindlessness, a true beast, only capable of fighting, fucking, and feeding. The rest of him, the smiles, the words, the mind, only a thin coating of humanity smeared over the beast to give it a bit of camouflage. The beast lived a half-life, not fully aware but unable to escape the bondage of the dead husk that surrounded it. If Spike concentrated, he could almost remember a time before this human body…

Pain and rage pushed the vague memories aside. The smoke and shadows of a demon’s formless longing were chimeras, good old sound and fury that signified fuck all in comparison to his here and now. He glanced again at the heavy male body spread out on his bed. Xander bloody Harris was his here and now.

His thoughts drifted back to The Initiative even as he wrapped himself around the warm reassuring bulk next to him. He never stopped thinking about them, about his time in the cage. Twice now he’d been at their mercy and both times had been almost more than he could bear.

Xander shifted in his sleep, hands fumbling and body twitching. Xander would understand his fear. The loss of control, of power, was something Xander bloody Harris would understand all too well, not that Spike had any intention of ever sharing the ghosts that haunted him. He yanked the heavy coverlets up and over their recumbent bodies. The twitch, which had raised a fine crop of gooseflesh over Xander’s body, slowed and halted.

The chip was another cage, one with no key. Spike could remember being bound, remember that helplessness and the fear that went with your existence at the mercy of another. But he’d been beside Angelus then and able to die fighting. Now he was beside Xander, and if the other man took it in his fancy to stake Spike, he was helpless.

Spike lay silent and almost still, his hands running in sweeping strokes over the man who was his here and now. He could feel the fear inside him, a lump that threatened to gnaw its way free, consuming his bones and flesh in great gulps. He let his mind drift, counting all his cages and the many, many chains that bound him.


Chapter 14

Comments

[sparrow2000.livejournal.com]

Really lovely introspection from Spike here. Xander may be the sub in this twisted relationship, but Spike's acknowledgement of his own helplessness is heartbreaking. Beautifully done, love.

[daeomae.livejournal.com]

Such a sad state of affairs for a once powerful vampire to find himself in. *sighs* I hope that Xander will be able to get past his own hurt, rage, and need only to feel something, so that he can help Spike bear his burden to some degree.

*Mwah*

[davinci-1985.livejournal.com]

Gods, I so love this fic, although it's been too long since you last posted (hint, hint!)

I love the introspection and the events of the fic from Spike's perspective. He is not the sub in his relationship with Xander, but he knows he is at his mercy, because he can't defend himself if Xander changes his opinion about this particular arrangement. He is afraid of the power Xander holds over his heart, over his unlive.

Thank you so much for sharing.

[shakatany.livejournal.com]

Part of him was all spiny claws and mindlessness, a true beast, only capable of fighting, fucking, and feeding. The rest of him, the smiles, the words, the mind, only a thin coating of humanity smeared over the beast to give it a bit of camouflage. The beast lived a half-life, not fully aware but unable to escape the bondage of the dead husk that surrounded it. If Spike concentrated, he could almost remember a time before this human body… A very interesting take on what makes a BtVS vampire - I always wondered what the demon knew before it possessed the host body.

Poor Spike - afraid that a mere human could simply dust him. I hope that Xander can help him overcome his traumas. More when you can.

Shakatany

[sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I enjoy writing an introspective Spike, and I think of all the BtVS characters, he's the most suited for introspection. Spike, to me, was always hyper-aware of himself, both physically and emotionally. He took the idea of an "examined life" and ran with it...

[sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com]

Well, Xander will be coming around at some point. And I think he'll definitely be extending himself out to Spike a bit. But this is set between seasons 5 and 6, so there's a sort of tragic aspect to that as well.

[sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm so happy that you enjoy this story. I think that ultimately neither of the men is in control here. They're out of control in a world that's gone out of their control and this relationship is the only thing they have to really cling to. That said, I'm sorry it takes so long to update but this is a difficult story to write. The psych prompts require a bit of thinking on my part, as they need illustrated and fleshed out a bit to make them part of a cohesive story. Plus, I do have several other stories I'm writing in between times. :)

[sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com]

Actually, most of that is a reinterpretation of canon. Angel's appearance on Pylea and Wesley's explanation of the demon in its natural form played a large part in my description of the demon, and Giles explanation of the creation of vampires in S1 is the basis for my supposition on the the demon prior to its joining with Spike. Sadly, not so much an original view as perhaps an interesting reinterpretation of canon evidence. However, I'm glad you enjoyed it and the story in general. Thank you!

[laazikaat.livejournal.com]

Poor Spike. He has so much to fear, his dom position in this relationship is a charade Xander could end at any time.

Nice introspective chapter.

[sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com]

Thanks, hon! Introspection is my own personal wank session because I am just that ridiculous. I'd be a philosophy major if I could find a private sector job that would pay me to think. Sadly, not so many of those available and so I force Spike into these introspective moments. Luckily, he's an obliging chap... :)

[hello-spikey.livejournal.com]

ooo very good. I think this is a great character study - don't think I've seen the demonic explored in quite this way before. You weave a consistent narrative for Spike (and Xander) that isn't quite provided by cannon.

[dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com]

But he’d been beside Angelus then and able to die fighting. Now he was beside Xander, and if the other man took it in his fancy to stake Spike, he was helpless. Never thought if it that way. Nicely done. Wonder if Xander thinks of Spike as being defenseless against him.

He could feel the fear inside him, a lump that threatened to gnaw its way free, consuming his bones and flesh in great gulps. He let his mind drift, counting all his cages and the many, many chains that bound him. Holy shit! Pardon the explitive but, damn!, that's an amazing bit of insight.

[sevendeadlyfun.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I think Joss put a wealth of meanings into his plots and characters and I enjoy analyzing the clues to those meanings scattered through the show. I'm pleased you're enjoying this and particularly pleased you're enjoying the psychological aspects of it.