Ashes to Ashes, 6/30
Nov. 9th, 2007 12:31 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sevendeadlyfunPairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: NC-17 overall
Summary: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Grief and a kind of madness take Spike and Xander places they aren't sure they want to go....
A/N: Written for prompt number 5: Multiple Personalities on my![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
psych_30 table. Also written for tamingthemuse prompt number 68: nurture
Previous Chapters
I’m losing my mind, Xander thought bleakly. That’s the only explanation for this.
In a bizarre “I live on the mouth of hell” way, that thought was oddly cheering. Going crazy was way better than the numerous other possible explanations for his behavior. In fact, it was the best explanation.
It had been a week since his…encounter with Spike. He absolutely positively refused to give what happened between them a name. If he named it, he’d have to deal with it. If he dealt with it, he’d have to deal with the fact that he enjoyed it. Therefore, it remained nameless.
Being nameless didn’t keep it at bay, though. He worked himself blind and stupid, fucked Anya through the mattress, and lay awake at night, skin itching and muscles tingling as he replayed that night in his mind. The urge to crawl out of bed and find Spike was almost overwhelming.
It was worse than living a double life. Oh if only it were that simple. He laughed now, remembering how he once thought school by day, slay by night was difficult. That was child’s play compared to what he was going through now.
In some ways, these feeling reminded him of his hyena possession. Only instead of a craving for raw meat, he craved Spike. No, no, bad brain! Xander thought furiously. We don’t crave Spike. Evil undead, bleached menace, there is no craving.
But the similarities were there. He felt disconnected from himself, this guy who went to work and joked with Willow and Dawn and kissed Anya. He was two Xanders now, one who did all the normal everyday stuff and one who sat in the dark, sweating and anxious, wanting to feel cool hands stroke him and a soft voice reassure him that he was wanted, desired.
It was that Xander, the one he’d run from all his life, that Spike had seen and wanted. Xander wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep these multiple Xander’s together. Sooner or later, he’d end up with Spike and he knew where that would lead. Another…encounter that would only nurture these feelings he was working desperately to suppress.
He trudged up the stairs towards his apartment, reluctantly reaching for his best “Honey, I’m home”. He still wasn’t sure what Anya knew, but there was no point in tempting fate. Whatever she knew was bad enough.
Xander opened the door, and his grin fell when he saw Spike standing in the living room.
“Xander!” Anya said excitedly. “Spike stopped by and said that he needs your help patrolling. I told him you’d be happy to go because you haven’t been out in a long time and that isn’t good for relationships. Healthy relationships require time spent apart, in order to ensure both people are growing and experiencing different things.”
Xander nodded dumbly, unable to say anything because if he spoke, it wouldn’t be Anya’s boyfriend Xander doing the talking. It would be that other Xander, the one that whispered in his ear, telling him that this was just what they needed.
“Well,” Spike said amiably, “best be off. Lots of evil nasties to slay and all that.”
Xander nodded again, setting down his hard hat and following Spike out the door. The light snick of the door closing was almost freeing. No more conflicts, no more pretenses. He knew what was going to happen and all he had to do was take it. Xander’s belly clenched in anticipation and fear.
He didn’t want to give up the Xander that went to work and joked with Willow and Dawn and kissed Anya. But he wasn’t sure he could get rid of this Xander whose cock was hardening from the touch of Spike’s hand on his neck. As the voices in his head argued, Spike lead him down the hallway and pressed him against the wall. The first rough kiss brought a beautiful peace, shutting out the world around him and Xander returned the kiss, twining his tongue around Spike’s.
“Come on,” Spike rasped, pulling away and staring down at him. “Got better places than this, don’t we?”
Chapter 7
Rating: NC-17 overall
Summary: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Grief and a kind of madness take Spike and Xander places they aren't sure they want to go....
A/N: Written for prompt number 5: Multiple Personalities on my
psych_30 table. Also written for tamingthemuse prompt number 68: nurturePrevious Chapters
I’m losing my mind, Xander thought bleakly. That’s the only explanation for this.
In a bizarre “I live on the mouth of hell” way, that thought was oddly cheering. Going crazy was way better than the numerous other possible explanations for his behavior. In fact, it was the best explanation.
It had been a week since his…encounter with Spike. He absolutely positively refused to give what happened between them a name. If he named it, he’d have to deal with it. If he dealt with it, he’d have to deal with the fact that he enjoyed it. Therefore, it remained nameless.
Being nameless didn’t keep it at bay, though. He worked himself blind and stupid, fucked Anya through the mattress, and lay awake at night, skin itching and muscles tingling as he replayed that night in his mind. The urge to crawl out of bed and find Spike was almost overwhelming.
It was worse than living a double life. Oh if only it were that simple. He laughed now, remembering how he once thought school by day, slay by night was difficult. That was child’s play compared to what he was going through now.
In some ways, these feeling reminded him of his hyena possession. Only instead of a craving for raw meat, he craved Spike. No, no, bad brain! Xander thought furiously. We don’t crave Spike. Evil undead, bleached menace, there is no craving.
But the similarities were there. He felt disconnected from himself, this guy who went to work and joked with Willow and Dawn and kissed Anya. He was two Xanders now, one who did all the normal everyday stuff and one who sat in the dark, sweating and anxious, wanting to feel cool hands stroke him and a soft voice reassure him that he was wanted, desired.
It was that Xander, the one he’d run from all his life, that Spike had seen and wanted. Xander wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep these multiple Xander’s together. Sooner or later, he’d end up with Spike and he knew where that would lead. Another…encounter that would only nurture these feelings he was working desperately to suppress.
He trudged up the stairs towards his apartment, reluctantly reaching for his best “Honey, I’m home”. He still wasn’t sure what Anya knew, but there was no point in tempting fate. Whatever she knew was bad enough.
Xander opened the door, and his grin fell when he saw Spike standing in the living room.
“Xander!” Anya said excitedly. “Spike stopped by and said that he needs your help patrolling. I told him you’d be happy to go because you haven’t been out in a long time and that isn’t good for relationships. Healthy relationships require time spent apart, in order to ensure both people are growing and experiencing different things.”
Xander nodded dumbly, unable to say anything because if he spoke, it wouldn’t be Anya’s boyfriend Xander doing the talking. It would be that other Xander, the one that whispered in his ear, telling him that this was just what they needed.
“Well,” Spike said amiably, “best be off. Lots of evil nasties to slay and all that.”
Xander nodded again, setting down his hard hat and following Spike out the door. The light snick of the door closing was almost freeing. No more conflicts, no more pretenses. He knew what was going to happen and all he had to do was take it. Xander’s belly clenched in anticipation and fear.
He didn’t want to give up the Xander that went to work and joked with Willow and Dawn and kissed Anya. But he wasn’t sure he could get rid of this Xander whose cock was hardening from the touch of Spike’s hand on his neck. As the voices in his head argued, Spike lead him down the hallway and pressed him against the wall. The first rough kiss brought a beautiful peace, shutting out the world around him and Xander returned the kiss, twining his tongue around Spike’s.
“Come on,” Spike rasped, pulling away and staring down at him. “Got better places than this, don’t we?”
Chapter 7
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
on 2007-11-09 07:24 am (UTC)I like how you repeated "went to work and joked with Willow and Dawn and kissed Anya" (intentionally?) gives a greater feeling on how Xanders thoughts goes round and round and....
(do I make any sense....)
Can't wait for more!
no subject
on 2007-11-09 11:35 am (UTC)Perfect chapter. Excellent work. I'm going to go read it again.
Thanks so much for sharing!
no subject
on 2007-11-09 05:36 pm (UTC)Lots of lust and craving and yearning in this. Love Spike's casual "Lots of evil nasties to slay and all that." Excellent voice, and we all know why he's really there. Good voice on Anya too.
no subject
on 2007-11-09 08:14 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2007-11-09 08:15 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2007-11-09 08:16 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2007-11-10 08:29 am (UTC)no subject
on 2007-11-10 01:39 pm (UTC)Seriously, that was very nice to convey the conflict that Xander is experiencing and I agree that the deliberate repetition of the sentence about Willow, Dawn and Anya worked really well to convey the image of him going round in circles.
“Got better places than this, don’t we?” Shakes laptop again *g*
no subject
on 2007-11-10 05:58 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2007-11-10 06:00 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2007-11-16 02:20 am (UTC)This just keeps getting better. Poor Xan needs to be able to bring all his internal selves together. Can't wait to see where you take this.
no subject
on 2007-11-16 05:01 am (UTC)no subject
on 2008-09-23 03:18 pm (UTC)I'm sure Anya isn't the least bit in the dark. She's a clever girl. :)
no subject
on 2009-06-19 02:04 am (UTC)Squee. Way to be proactive, Spike.
Loving this story.
no subject
on 2009-06-21 05:17 am (UTC)