The first paragraph is a little passive. "There was", "That was"... and in general I worry if I get more than one "That" in a paragraph. Your powerful image is at the end, the idea of capturing the moment of her flight, as goodness. So I'd write that paragraph backwards:
If he had one scrap of the talent Angelus owned, he would paint it and show it to the world, the moment goodness took flight, perfect and singular in all of history.
Or something like that. I'd also want it to be shorter, or omitted. Go straight to the second paragraph? Your audience is familiar with the whole scene, so you can be very minimal with setting it up. The second chapter is very strong - it has more visceral details - tears burning wounds - and action. "perfect" "beautiful" even "graceful" are adjectives that don't really tell us anything, so don't waste your adjective budget on them.
"President of his fan club" - president shouldn't be capitalized.
Like Xander's dialogue. And it's good that it's the first quoted dialogue in this. Makes it stand out and draws us into the story - the scene with Dawn would take too long if you showed it in detail.
"put the witch down" - phrase worries me because of course I think of, you know "we put the dog down", euphanism for death? Maybe "silenced the witch" or something else?
"A month later and still Spike couldn't understand it" - you leave us not knowing what he can't understand till the end of the paragraph, which I know is your intention, but it didn't feel, I don't know, necessary? How about "A month later Spike still didn't understand Harris."?
"Losing his friend and his lover in one night, Spike figured the boy would have crumbled" - makes sense, but might be clearer "Spike figured the boy would have crumbled, losing his friend and his lover in one night" - this puts the modifying phrase, what was done, closer to the person it was done to? Otherwise there is a slight possibility you mean Spike lost his friend and lover?
The last few sentences are strong, though, and definitely set a tone. Overall, very moody, which I imagine is the purpose of the prologue, setting a tone for the piece.
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ninetydegrees
no subject
on 2009-01-10 03:17 am (UTC)If he had one scrap of the talent Angelus owned, he would paint it and show it to the world, the moment goodness took flight, perfect and singular in all of history.
Or something like that. I'd also want it to be shorter, or omitted. Go straight to the second paragraph? Your audience is familiar with the whole scene, so you can be very minimal with setting it up. The second chapter is very strong - it has more visceral details - tears burning wounds - and action. "perfect" "beautiful" even "graceful" are adjectives that don't really tell us anything, so don't waste your adjective budget on them.
"President of his fan club" - president shouldn't be capitalized.
Like Xander's dialogue. And it's good that it's the first quoted dialogue in this. Makes it stand out and draws us into the story - the scene with Dawn would take too long if you showed it in detail.
"put the witch down" - phrase worries me because of course I think of, you know "we put the dog down", euphanism for death? Maybe "silenced the witch" or something else?
"A month later and still Spike couldn't understand it" - you leave us not knowing what he can't understand till the end of the paragraph, which I know is your intention, but it didn't feel, I don't know, necessary? How about "A month later Spike still didn't understand Harris."?
"Losing his friend and his lover in one night, Spike figured the boy would have crumbled" - makes sense, but might be clearer "Spike figured the boy would have crumbled, losing his friend and his lover in one night" - this puts the modifying phrase, what was done, closer to the person it was done to? Otherwise there is a slight possibility you mean Spike lost his friend and lover?
The last few sentences are strong, though, and definitely set a tone. Overall, very moody, which I imagine is the purpose of the prologue, setting a tone for the piece.