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[personal profile] sevendeadlyfun
Pairing: Angelus/Darla/Spike/Drusilla

Rating: PG-13

A/N: Co-written with [profile] kidcylone because we were bored and felt snerky.

Warnings: Crack!fic, porn fairies, wanktastic mentions, and character mockery



(Call_Me_Madame joins  Family Time chat)

(ScourgeofEurope_264 joints Family Time chat)

ScourgeofEurope_264: Is this thing on?

ScourgeofEurope_264: Darla? Is that you?

Call_Me_Madame: Who else would it be?

ScourgeofEurope_264: I’m not used to these things.

(Spike joins Family Time chat)

Spike: Heh. Nice name…

Call_Me_Madame: What are YOU doing here? Isn’t it past your bedtime?

ScourgeofEurope_264: William! I told you Madame and I were going to spend some private time together.

Spike: No such thing as private on the Web on the web, mate.

Spike: And that’s not the tune you were singing when you were begging me to teach you how to log on…

ScourgeofEurope_264: Begging! I was not!

Call_Me_Madame: Whatever. Angelus, if you’d bother to learn about anything created after the Civil War, you might be able to manage these things better.

(SockPuppet joins Family Time chat)

Spike: He told me I could stay up as late as I want and use the bloody computer. We had a deal!

SockPuppet: Daddy?

Call_Me_Madame: Drusilla, dear, aren’t you supposed to be bathing?

SockPuppet: I’m all clean now, Mummy.

ScourgeofEurope_264: Drusilla dearling…How’s Daddy’s best girl tonight?

Call_Me_Madame: Oh, she’s your best girl?

Spike: *snogs Drusilla*

Spike: *Licks Drusilla’s fingertips*

SockPuppet
: Stop, William. I just got out of the bath!

ScourgeofEurope_264: Darla, you’re my best woman.

Spike: Besides Madame, you look shite in green…

ScourgeofEurope_264
: WILLIAM!

SockPuppet: Daddy! I have a question for you. It’s rather urgent.

ScourgeofEurope_264: Of course, Poppet. And what is it that you want to ask? Do you miss your Daddy?

Spike: She misses me, don’t you, love?

SockPuppet: How could I miss you? You’re right here!

Call_Me_Madame: Good point, Drusilla.

SockPuppet
: And besides, Mummy is rather entertaining, in her own way.

Call_Me_Madame: Thank you, dear. At least someone appreciates me…

ScourgeofEurope_264: Of course, I appreciate you! I'm on this feckin’ Internode for you, aren’t I?

Spike: Yep, that’s love. Particularly when he’s too thick to actually know the name.

Call_Me_Madame: I’d read that internet anonymity emboldens people. I never thought I’d see it in action.

ScourgeofEurope_264: In a minute, I’m going to step away from the keyboard and beat William’s arse for that bit of cheek.

SockPuppet: No, Daddy. I still have to ask you my question!

Call_Me_Madame: Angelus, let the wretched girl ask her question so she and William can go to bed. Maybe then we’ll get half a moments peace.

Spike: I thought you two were here for a bit of left-handed typing!

ScourgeofEurope_264: What in 9 hells does being left-handed have to do with this?

Spike: You really did pick a sick one, didn’t you Madame? Galway’s Rhodes Scholar, this one.

ScourgeofEurope_264: Is he insulting me again?

ScourgeofEurope_264: I’ve had just about enough of this shite!

SockPuppet: Daddy, is the internet really for porn?

ScourgeofEurope_264: Did she just say what I think she said?

Spike: Brilliant musical, luv!

ScourgeofEurope_264: What? What’s this crap? You’re commenting on theater after Drusilla asked me about pornography?

ScourgeofEurope_264: How does she even know about any of that?

ScourgeofEurope_264: Get in here so I can beat your arse!

Spike: Sorry, Pater. Using the Starbuck’s Wi-Fi…

ScourgeofEurope_264: See what happens when you abandon me for a Paris shopping spree? The brat thinks he can do as he pleases.

Call_Me_Madame: Well, if you’d bother to keep tabs on him, this wouldn’t happen to you.

Call_Me_Madame: Spike, why is Drusilla asking about internet pornography?

Spike: Don’t get your  knickers in a twist, pet. It’s a blood musical.

SockPuppet
: The internet is for porn, the internet is for porn, why you think the ‘Net was born? PORN PORN PORN!

ScourgeofEurope_264
: Drusilla, stop that this instant!

SockPuppet: But, the fairies, Daddy!

ScourgeofEurope_264
: Fairies have nothing to do with this Drusilla!

SockPuppet: Yes, they do, Daddy.

ScourgeofEurope_264: And just what in do fairies have to do with this utter rubbish William’s being teaching you about pornography?

ScourgeofEurope_264: Which he’ll be paying for later, I might add.

SockPuppet
: The porn fairies, Daddy.

Call_Me_Madame
: You had to ask. I’ve warned you a dozen times. Don’t ask. It never helps. But do you listen?

Call_Me_Madame: NO

ScourgeofEurope_264: What, by all the Master’s minions, is a porn fairy?

SockPuppet: Oh, Daddy! They’re lovely. All creamy and sweet and they make me tingle in the best places…

Spike
: Thought that was my job!

Spike: And don’t try to blame this on me. She came up with this nonsense on her own.

Spike: Who ever heard of a sodding porn fairy, Dru?

SockPuppet
: Oh there are sodding ones.

SockPuppet
: But there are ones that like girls, too. And ones that like girls and boys at the same time.

SockPuppet: Porn fairies are terribly fickle, you know, William.

Spike: Like some girls I could mention!

SockPuppet
: Oh William, don’t pout.

SockPuppet
: You can have one all your own.

Call_Me_Madame: That’s it! Bedtime for all terribly ungrateful and irritating brats.

SockPuppet: Yay! We can stay up forever!

Spike: You heard the lady, Angelus! Off to beddys!

ScourgeofEurope_264: I’m going to come down to that cheap excuse for a coffeehouse and wrap your guts around your throat.

Spike
: Promises, promises!

SockPuppet: DADDY!

ScourgeofEurope_264: Now what?

SockPuppet: My head is pasted on!

ScourgeofEurope_264: Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Darla, did you let you the lass feed off drunkards tonight?

Call_me_Madame: No drunkards. A few crack addicts perhaps...

ScourgeofEurope_264: You can be serious?!?

Call_Me_Madame: Of course not. Unlike some poor excuses for sires, I know how to take care of MY children.

Spike
: We’re missing you terribly, Madam.

Call_Me_Madame: That’s very sweet of you, William.

Spike: We’re all sad and hungry and lonely.

Call_Me_Madame:  For that bit of adorable bootlicking, I’ll only chain you for two days instead of the usual week.

ScourgeofEurope_264: Oh, I see!

ScourgeofEurope_264: When Darla makes a threat, you start behaving.

Spike: Not a bloody idiot, am I? The female of the species and all that, mate.

Call_Me_Madame: Perhaps it’s because I actually carry out my threats, Angelus!

SockPuppet
: DADDY! My head!

ScourgeofEurope_264: Right. I’ve a good mind to let Madame have her way in this.

Call_Me_Madame: Let me?

ScourgeofEurope_264: First, you fill Drusilla’s head with this porn fairy nonsense.

Call_Me_Madame: How generous of you. I can see William will have some company while he's in chains...

ScourgeofEurope_264: And now she’s talking shite about her head being pasted on…

Call_Me_Madame: I’m not so sure you can blame that on William.

Call_Me_Madame: After all, she might have come up with that one on her own…

Spike: Too bloody right she did!

Spike: Dru, luv, is your head pasted on straight?

SockPuppet: Hold on, let me check.

Spike: Well, that’s bought us few minutes. She always forgets about the mirrors…

ScourgeofEurope_264: While she’s off than, I want a serious word with you, lad!

ScourgeofEurope_264: I can’t believe you exposed that innocent lamb to dirty sordid pictures!

Spike
: Christ, mate! Warn a bloke before you make a joke like that!

Spike: I just spit coffee everywhere!

ScourgeofEurope_264: I’M NOT JOKING!!1!1

Call_Me_Madame: Right. Because after your rape the girl and murder her entire family just for fun, pornography is the last thing she should have to endure!

ScourgeofEurope_264: Darla!

Call_Me_Madame: Oh goodie! You’ve learnt to spell my name.

ScourgeofEurope_264: This is our Dru we’re talking about!

ScourgeofEurope_264: My sweet wee baby girl!

Call_Me_Madame: The same sweet wee baby girl you had chained to our bed while you took your pleasure in multiple orifices?

Spike: Ah, there’s one for Hallmark! Wonder if they have a card…

SockPuppet: Spike, I checked!

SockPuppet: It is on straight.

Spike: Cheers, luv. No problems then!

SockPuppet: YAY!
 
Call_Me_Madame: Angelus, since we obviously can’t have an actual conversation here, I’m off to bed.

ScourgeofEurope_264: Wait, what?

(Call_Me_Madame is offline)

ScourgeofEurope_264: Just kick them out! Isn’t there a way to lock the door or something?

Spike: Too late, old man. She’s scarpered!

SockPuppet: Good night, Daddy! I hope the porn fairies bring you pleasant dreams!

(Sockpuppet is offline)

ScourgeofEurope_264: Don’t tell me you’re leaving too, damn it!

Spike: Well, that’s my cue. I’ve got a date with a blonde mochachino drinker.

Spike: It’s brilliant how these birds are attracted to a bloke with a laptop.

(Spike is offline)

ScourgeofEurope_264: Damn it, William! You can’t leave me hanging here!

(Bangel_Foreva joins Family Time chat)

Bangel_Foreva:  ScourgeOfEurope_264? What are you, some Angel wannabe?

ScourgeofEurope_264: Fuck, I can't get away from you freaks!

(ScourgeOfEurope_264 is offline)
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